A break in the clouds for the black dog

I can't believe over a month has gone by since I last blogged about depression.  It's probably no coincidence though, as this month coincided with a trip to the doctor's which resulted in me being signed off work for 4 weeks and given a prescription for anti-depressants.

Since starting my blog posts and opening up further about how depression has affected me, I've been incredibly touched by the number of people who have chosen to get in contact. Some messages have been through the blog itself, others have been direct messages on Twitter or private messages on Facebook and some have just been good old fashioned 'chats.'

My real black dog - Jasper

One of the things that has really struck me from all these messages is just how many people 'suffer in silence' and that, unfortunately, there is still a great degree of stigma surrounding depression and mental illness.  I've had people telling me that I'm 'brave' for blogging about my experiences as they fear that if they blogged about their experiences or opened up to employers that it would damage their careers.  This saddens me.  Depression or mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, however I am well aware that stigma does still surround it and none more so than in the workplace.

The brain is a complicated and, arguably, the most important organ in the body.  Without a brain we cannot function.  Unlike other organs though, when things go wrong with your brain people just don't know what to say or do. If I'd had a kidney infection, heart problem or broken a bone in my body I'm pretty sure I would have received cards and flowers...but mental illness seems to put people off these gestures. (There were two notable exceptions to this for me and those people know who they are and how much their gestures meant to me).

When I've been talking about depression to people and trying to help them understand how it impacts on me, I've gone back to likening the brain to a computer. Our brains are often referred to as the computers for our bodies and as most people use computers I use the following analogy to try and explain how depression affects me:

"When I think of the brain, I like to think of it as the operating system for my body - a bit like Windows on your PC.  If you get a bug on Windows (or whatever operating system your computer uses), it's likely that it will impact on all the other software. Excel might not add up numbers correctly, Word may be a bit slow, PowerPoint may just keep simply shutting down. You wouldn't just think 'oh, it will right itself, or snap out of it' - the chances are you'd install an anti virus programme to sort the bug out. 

"To me, depression and mental illness is that 'bug' in the operating system.  It wont' go away by itself.  Medication is what works for me - it rights the chemical imbalances and my operating system (gradually) returns to full functioning capacity."

A break in the clouds of depression

Depression is often alluded to as a dark cloud that permanently blots out the sun, or a fog that envelops everything.  Certainly for me it is a combination of both.

However, thanks to the medication and time off work, there is now a chink in the clouds of my depression and the sun has shone through for me.

I can't pretend that I felt immediately better or that the medication kicked in super quickly - I didn't and it didn't.  In fact, for the first three weeks I felt pretty horrendous. My depression seemed to worsen along with increased bouts of anxiety and interrupted sleep - all side effects of fluoxetine (better known as Prozac).  My concentration levels were zero and only seemed to return, albeit slightly, around the three weeks' mark.

After returning to see my doctor, I was signed off for another week to allow the medication a chance to kick in.  I am so glad that I had this extra week, as suddenly the meds did seem to be working.  The black clouds and fog began to lift and I started to feel more like my 'old self.'

As the medication has now started to work, it has made me realise just how long my depression had been growing.  I can see clearly that I was probably suffering from mild depression for a good 12-18 months before it became more severe and prompted me to seek help.

I am now back at work and have been very open with colleagues about the reason for my absence.  Generally, the response has been one of understanding and kindness and even more people opening up to me that they too have had personal experience of depression.

I realise it's still early days and that medication may not be the answer for everyone however, it is the answer for me.  I'll probably be on the medication for a good 6-9 months. I've learned from (bitter) past experience that coming off anti-depressants too early can have disastrous consequences.

I'd like to finish this post with a reference to the great charity that is SANE.  I came across SANE through social media and have found their posts, website and service so helpful.  They tweeted for people to share their messages of hope for better mental health, so I decided to share my message of hope and was humbled to see that SANE had used it.

"Do not be ashamed of depression or seeking help. Acknowledging it is the first step to recovery."

SANE message of hope

When you are in the depths of despair and depression taking that first step is scary - I've been there - but once you take it, the future isn't so scary anymore.

Mental health organisations that can help:

SANE, Mental Health Charity - http://www.sane.org.uk/
MIND - http://www.mind.org.uk/
The Blurt Foundation - http://blurtitout.org/
The Black Dog Tribe - http://www.blackdogtribe.com/

D-day for the black dog

When you have depression, telling someone (or anyone) how you feel can be daunting. It can be a difficult step to take as there is still a fair degree of stigma and misunderstanding about mental illness.

Shrouded in fog
(Photo by: Simon Lawrence at Dreamstime.com)

Friday of the week before last marked D-day for me.  The D in question could stand for so many things... Depression itself, Daunting, Diagnosis, Doubt, Doctor's appointment and even Disappointment.  In my previous post - Chasing down the black dog - I blogged about my decision to go and see the doctor.  I've recognised that my symptoms are at the stage that needs help; if I ignored them any further I would most certainly allow the fog of depression to envelop me completely and this is something I want to avoid.

Whilst I've blogged openly about my own experiences of depression and shared my views through social media, I hadn't spoken to my family (with the exception of my husband), friends, employer or colleagues about its recurrence...until the week before last.  Over the years I've had varying responses when I've told my family, friends, colleagues and employers about my depression.  Mostly, they have been supportive, and only occasionally have I had to counter some of the ignorance and stigma that surrounds mental illness.

A few days prior to my doctor's appointment, I told my CEO about the reason for my appointment.  My CEO was amazingly supportive and understanding, expressing concern and reassuring me that I should listen to the doctor's advice - even if it meant time off work. I told my colleagues too and although they may not have been 100% sure how to react, they too were supportive.

I found telling my employer meant that a huge weight felt like it had been lifted from my shoulders.  All I needed to do next was to turn up for my doctor's appointment.  My usual doctor has left the practice so I was seeing a doctor that I have only seen a few times in the past.

My doctor was very understanding and a her view, thankfully, coincided with mine - my depression is purely down to an imbalance of the chemicals in my brain and medication will help restore and stabilise the correct balance.

On top of prescribing medication, she also signed me off work for a few weeks. This is something I had wanted to avoid but in order to recover and to allow the medication to work, this period of rest is necessary.  My employer, husband, family and friends have all been very understanding and having taken the step of telling people and seeking help, I do feel that the fog which surrounds will begin to lift.

It's still early days with the medication as they take several weeks to become effective.  During the first week I did suffer with a number of side effects - the only one of which is welcome is the dulling of my appetite! However, as this may lead to losing some weight, so it's something I can easily live with...every cloud, eh?  I still struggle with some things and realise that the medication needs time to work - there is no magic wand that simply make my depression vanish.

So, as much as it's a cliché, I'm taking each day as it comes. Some days I'm fine and want to engage in 'normal' activities such as walking the dogs and speaking to friends; other days I'm not.  These are the days when I watch favourite films and snuggle up with the hounds. I struggle with the guilt I feel on these days for generally feeling useless but am lucky that my husband is very supportive (which at times makes me feel even more guilty).

At least by letting people know, it does mean I don't have to hide behind a mask everyday.  It doesn't, however, mean I need to be treated with kid gloves either - just some understanding that I may not be to up my 'usual self'. You can't catch depression by talking to me but you may gain some understanding as to what it means to live with it.

If you're reading this blog and think (or know) that you have depression, please don't think you're alone. It does affect 1 in 4 of us and there are so many organisations which can help.  Taking the first step of telling someone can be scary but once that step is taken, it is (albeit another cliché) a step on the road to recovery.

Organisations that can help:

SANE, Mental Health Charity - http://www.sane.org.uk/
MIND - http://www.mind.org.uk/
The Blurt Foundation - http://blurtitout.org/
The Black Dog Tribe - http://www.blackdogtribe.com/

Chasing down the black dog

I've been amazed at the response my blog post 'My Metaphorical and Actual Black Dog' has received across all the different social media channels.  It really has proven that there is no divide or discrimination when it comes to living with depression.

I wrote the piece at a time when I was feeling particularly low and teary.  Like many people, my life is busy and at times it seems like it's one big merry-go-round that just doesn't slow down and keeps on getting faster and faster whilst both the world around me and the accompanying sounds become somewhat scarier and darker.

Although my black dog hasn't reared its head for a good number of years, it has - not so gently - been nudging away at my psyche over the last 6 months or so. By now, I recognise the warning signs and know many of the trigger points.  However, that still hasn't stopped me from 'soldiering on' for the last few months. (How typically British and 'stoic' eh? We really are sometimes our own worst enemies).

No more hiding behind a mask

Tears are often a blink away. Anything can set me off.  Most of the time I just blink them away, put on a mask and don't allow them to flow.  If it's not tears, irrational feelings of anger may take their place.  My fuse seems to have shortened and my tolerance levels dropped to sub zero. I'm beginning to get bouts of fatigue. Add to that the never ending questioning of my own abilities and it is very clear - I need to seek help.

So, in practising what I preach, I've picked up the phone and made an appointment with my doctor.  I'm fed up with putting on an act that everything is fine  - it's just downright exhausting.  I believe I need medication and that the chemicals in my brain have just become unbalanced again. Just like faulty wiring or a computer virus, they will not magically right themselves without intervention.

I've been following SANE's 'thought of the day' on facebook  and Twitter and these daily thoughts have really brought it home to me that my metaphorical black dog is now very much with me again. (You can see an example of a 'thought of the day' by clicking here). The thoughts are a series of illustrations which show how the black dog can manifest itself.

I'm trying to be extra kind to myself. I've ditched the glasses of wine on an evening (as much as I love a glass of chilled vino, it is a depressant and I need to do all I can to help myself) and I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself.  

I don't want to take time off work and as I'm also building up a dog training business - it's just not feasible. I also want to make sure I continue to do well in my university studies (I'm in the final year of a foundation degree), so off to the doctor's I will go next week.

In the time being, I'll give my real life black dog, Jasper, a big cuddle and remind myself that help is on its way.

Resources:  Mental Health Foundation: http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/mental-health-statistics/
SANE:  http://www.sane.org.uk/
The Blurt Foundation: http://blurtitout.org/
Mind:  http://www.mind.org.uk/

My Metaphorical and Actual Black Dog

This is a post that I've been umming and ahhing about writing for a while now and hopefully the title may give you an indication why this has been the case.

For most people who know me - both in a personal and business capacity - they probably wouldn't think that many things get me down in life.  I tend to focus on the task ahead and 'crack on' and it has to be said, I'm a pretty hard taskmaster (more so on myself than others).  I'm definitely goal orientated, which has meant that generally when I set my mind on something - and to quote NASA - failure isn't an option.

Life, however, sometimes has a way of pulling the rug from under your feet when you least expect it, as I've discovered over the years.  I've always been a bit of a perfectionist (actually, who am I kidding, not so much of the 'bit') and set myself pretty high goals, which in turn can add a certain amount of pressure to everyday life and impact on health, as I have found out over the last few decades.

1 in 4 people in the UK are likely to experience a mental health problem in the course of a year and of these depression and anxiety are the most common.  Despite the fact that mental health problems such as depression are relatively common place they still remain a taboo subject.  Often they are simply swept away under the carpet, ignored like the elephant in the room or worse still, seen as an admission of weakness.

Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill famously likened his depression to a black dog and this is what my post title alludes to. I have had several bouts of clinical depression over the last two decades.  These aren't cases of  'being down in the dumps' or 'feeling blue'; these are mind numbing, self-esteem and confidence robbing periods, where 'normal service' cannot be resumed and my decision making capabilities seem to evaporate into thin air.

When work colleagues have learned of my depression (I'm pretty open about it), I tend to get one of two reactions: one being - "I'd never have thought you would suffer from depression, you just don't seem the type"  or two - embarrassed silences and people hastily changing the topic of conversation.  Depression doesn't discriminate - age, gender, race, 'class' or social standing are no barriers.

Depression is personal and is not the same for everyone.  I can only describe my depression as a perpetual fog that surrounds me and deadens the world I inhabit. No sunlight makes it through this fog and without help, it won't lift. Over the years this has meant extended time off work (each time progressively less, but nonetheless not just a few days off work) and both medication and counselling to help ease the symptoms.

These periods have lessened over the years, as I've become better at spotting the signs, preventing and managing the causes, however at times I still find myself on the precipice of the abyss -  some days leaning more towards it and others leaning away.

During my last period of depression, back in 2009, the black dog that had been following me suddenly became real and surprisingly a turning point. There is plenty of scientific evidence of the benefits of owning a pet and no matter how bad I felt, the hounds needed walking. They gave me a reason to get up and get out of the house and were a constant source of non-judgemental companionship.

Magic, aka Jasper, at the greyhound charity kennels

I also found that helping out at the kennels of the local greyhound charity I volunteered at, was very therapeutic.  It was at these kennels that I fell in love with a real black dog who to me was the pooch equivalent of Prozac. Magic, as he was then known, was a 5 year old handsome, if not a little snaggle-toothed, black greyhound. He'd finished his last race about a fortnight before coming into kennels and there was something about him that drew me to him instantly.  Within minutes I was smitten and knew that, subject to Mina & Stevie's approval, Magic had found his forever home.

Thankfully both Mina and Stevie approved of Magic and he came home with us in May of that year, just after a week's holiday with hubby and the two hounds in Cornwall.  Magic became Jasper - so named after the character in the Twilight novels who had the ability to calm and influence emotions - and has been a calming (and at times very cheeky) character ever since.

Jasper

During the last three years since Jasper joined me, the tide also seems to be turning with more (high profile as well as 'ordinary') people being open about experiencing depression.  There are some great support organisations too.  I received a great deal of help from Mind, found the Black Dog campaign from SANE to be inspirational and am an avid follow of the Blurt Foundation on Twitter - @BlurtAlerts

I no longer see my depression, or mental illness, as a failure on my part and I take steps to keep my mental health in the best shape I can.  This does not mean I'm immune to the odd relapse (a bit like physical health and not going to the gym) but the 'latent muscle memory' is there, providing me with coping mechanisms and the tools to get back on track.

Writing this blog post is cathartic and sharing conversations with like-minded friends has proven to be a godsend along with letting go of my 110% perfectionist streak (for some things - not all - but for a good number of things).

In my experience once you open up and let people know that (a) you have experienced depression and (b) it's nothing to be ashamed of, it's amazing what comes back.  So many people I speak to have experienced their own black dog and most people are extremely supportive and understanding.

So, if you have ever experienced depression, anxiety or any other mental illness, please don't feel you're alone.  Depression doesn't need to be an invisible illness and the chances are if it hasn't touched you, it will have touched someone you love or care for.



References:  Mental Health Foundation: http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/mental-health-statistics/
SANE, Black Dog Campaign:  http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/black_dog/bd_faq/
The Blurt Foundation: http://blurtitout.org/
Mind:  http://www.mind.org.uk/